It is as if nothing has changed. But everything has obviously changed.

I imagined her driving alone from a place where she used to stay a year ago to her uncle's apartment. She's been here for 5 days but tomorrow she's leaving. And I imagined another friend sleeping soundly on a plane that would land at Dubai. On the meantime, I open the door to my dorm, a room that I have stayed for the past 3 years, which I will eventually move out this weekend.

What if I woke up tomorrow, and we are back to 2012 again?
I'd give anything to relive those days, spend more time with them...
But it's a wishful thinking.
And next year, we will hardly see each other anymore, especially that we are scattered all over the Peninsula, with our own agenda and life to move on to.

Au revoir! Till we meet again.

It has been a rough week for me. Mentally and physically.

First off, I caught a cold on Sunday night which eventually progressed into a flu. Me. She who never gets sick. Now let's hope the fever won't kick in.

Secondly, someone very dear to me at work resigned. And her departure breaks me.
How should I categorise her? She is my superior at work, a friend after 5, and most importantly a mentor to me. Funny how we only know each other for 3 months but I feel like I've known her forever. She's that kind of person that makes one feel really comfortable around her. I feel safe around her. Like even if the sky is falling she'd figure something out and we'll survive anyway. Sounds like I'm exaggerating but it is exactly how I feel around her. I guess she's sort of like a big sister to me too.
We're standing on different continent right now - Literally. Perhaps this is what breaks me. That we might not see each other again. Monday was her last day at work. The day that came too soon and the moment I dreaded so much since I learnt her departure. Can you imagine how hard to hold back tears? Needless to say, I failed. I had to refrain myself from sobbing like a maniac the whole time, not until I caged myself in my car. I had a good cry on the way home from work, as if I have just broken up with a lover. I know, I sound crazy. All motorists that passed by me must have thought I'm crazy too. But I can't help it.
I hate goodbyes. I'm horrible at goodbyes - I simply do not know how to deal with them.
Work just feels so different now. I feel so lost without her. She was our anchor, our beacon and guidance; even co-workers from other department depended on her. But I guess I'll just have to suck it up and deal with it.

But I wish her well - She'll shine and excel anyway. Because she's awesome like that.

Of having a crappy week, anxiety attack and whatnot

Self enrichment books are not my thing 'cuz I thought that they're full of bullshit. (They are probably full of bullshit, I dunno. I never read them.) But The Secret series are probably the only self enrichment book series that I am willing to pick up and read (which I have briefly talked about in my 1st post on this blog 2 years ago! Shit how time passed). And it makes me feel like I got the whole universe figured out. It makes so much sense. Not that it is magical or anything. The book is trying to say that, above everything, positivity is the most important element for a healthy mind that eventually leads to a happy life.

This week has been crappy... Things just didn't go my way. I was miserable and lonely even though I'm perfectly fine being lonely on normal days (I am kind of a loner in some sort of way); Simon and I didn't get along (Simon is my GPS), I couldn't read him like I always do - I had to travel a few miles more and ended up wasting more time and fuel, it was raining and the jam was terrible... And I had an episode of anxiety attack at a junction while waiting for the traffic light to turn green - I couldn't breathe, I felt like the walls were closing on me and my heart was going to jump out of my chest......

First panic attack I have ever experienced that came out of nowhere. I didn't even know I am capable of having one. What went wrong I wondered. Was it caused by some abandon or attachment issue? (I'll talk about that more in future.)

So you see, positivity is really important. You are what you think. Negative thoughts are corrosive for both your mind and soul. It eats you, it breathes you and you'd end up with all these angry and dark emotions people'd stay away from you. Whatever is going on in your mind, you are attracting it to you.

I haven't been practising The Secret principles for awhile now because I didn't need to - I was happy with my boring filled-with-routine life, I didn't want anything in particular... But as I said, this week has been really, really shitty. Perhaps it's my hormones, or that The Universe is trying to test me. But nonetheless, starting tomorrow I'll need to bring up all the principles from a rusty archive stored in my brain, start to think of nothing but positive thoughts and I'll sail through all the bumps on the road regardlessly. It's a promise to myself.

Midnight trailing

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself, you have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not - won't. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realise what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. - Anonymous

You're not the first, and you won't be the last.
Sometimes things happen for a reason. And perhaps giving you up might be the only option.
Why should I make you stay, if you have already made up your mind to leave?

Friendship is overrated. Love is overrated.

Goodbye HIMYM!

As you have probably know, How I Met Your Mother has finally came to a conclusion on Monday. Many fans are furious because of the finale. Can't say I didn't see that coming - The ending is exactly what the fans have speculated. Albeit feeling a little bit frustrated, I thought this is a just nice conclusion to the 9 year comedy. I completely agree with this article by Heidi Priebe. In it she also mentioned that the role of timing in relationship is the highlight of HIMYM. Even though sometimes the stories in HIMYM are beyond absurd, some part of it is still real. Isn't timing the highlight of our lives as well? 

There was once a boy, we were together for more than a year but the relationship couldn't work anymore. I went to college, I had my priorities; he didn't understand then he went to college as well and we grew apart. If we were together right now but not then, I would had married him with no hesitation. But the timing wasn't right, and sadly that's the end of the story.

It makes me realise that he will always be 'the one', even though I don't love him anymore. Heck, we don't even talk anymore. Yet he will always have a special place in my heart. Sounds cheesy I know, but it's true.

Funny how a comedy makes me think so much on what had happened and what will never happen. Oh well. What's in the past, is in the past. Have a good Friday peeps.

Home

Am having mid-semester break now hence I'm back at home.
It's more like a rehab to me. A place for me to stay away from all the distraught thoughts.

And I've been doing nothing but reading some Mandarin novels, fanfictions and also... finished watching A:TLA & TLoK (hurray!).
There goes 4 days of my 1 week holiday. Sucks.

Am tying to spend more time with my parents but ended up spending more time with the computer (as usual).
The truth is, I dunno how to. This is just the way we are.
Dad - TV, mom - busy doing something, me - in my bedroom. Or perhaps I should come up with something - time for some family bonding?
Also, mom needs someone to talk to. I'm more a listener/responder than a chitty-chatty but hey, I'm trying.
The other night she told me,

"You know last night when we were talking, daddy counted."

"He counted the days of us, together. When you were in high school you joined the band and you were at school most of your times. And after that you went to college, you stayed outside. Then you went to KL."

"The days of you staying by our sides... they aren't much."

And then, I felt a tightness in my chest.

x Jess

Raw.

So my parents have just came back from a little trip to Chiang Mai and my dad has been bombarding me with some photos of him and my mom.

Let's face it. My mom forced him to send the photos.
"Let them see our photos, send them! Or post on web!"
By web she means Facebook.

And seeing the photos is like... receiving a wake up call.

...My parents are old now. Like, old old.
Funny how every time I think of them, I still picture them in the younger days.
Perhaps deep down I refuse to grow up. I'll always be their little daughter, that hand needs to be held before crossing the road.

My dad used to be very, very fat so we kept urging him to lose some weight.
After a couple years of trying, now that he has lost his tummy and all, I'm starting to worry that is he losing too much weight?
Sometimes pictures show more than what you see in reality.

And my mom. God. Where should I even begin? She used to be so pretty and youthful. But the grey hair and the tired face shown on the photos made my cringe.

I dunno how to describe what I'm feeling right now. This... emotion. Sorrow, perhaps?
And the worst part is, I can do nothing about it. It's beyond my power. Except for appreciating their presence more. And try not to think about it.

That one day I'll have to cross the road without them holding my hands.
The two major pillars of my life. crumbling down.
What's coming for me. And the days after.
I don't think I'll ever be prepared for that. No man is programmed to be prepared for that.

Can we go back to that Saturday afternoon when I was 6?
Where 5 of us including my brothers were watching some western movie in my parents' room.
Dad was sleeping, mom was ironing clothes, we were sititng on the floor...
Just 5 of us, inside a little room. As simple, as blissful as that.
... I'd trade anything in the world for that moment.

x Jess

The one that got away

My senior yearbook (2008).

(Jeez! This post is like a therapy/self-confession session!)

Now that I'm older, I realised my social circle is getting smaller and I'm constantly thinking of friends that I've made and lost.

I'm never good at social - I dunno what you think of me, I may be a chatterbox (well, among my friends and people I'm familiar/comfortable with) but I am anything but outgoing.
Phone calls, the silent moment between conversations and making new friends make me nervous.
And I am never good in maintaining a friendship.

Sometimes when I see photos of my old friends hanging out together on Facebook, I feel like I want to be part of them but hey, we're no longer close like we used to be.

I used to tell myself, "Those who are willing to stay, will stay." But the truth is, I never pay much effort in maintaining a relationship and as a result, our friendships fade away. And now when I want to mend these broken things, how should I do that? Randomly text them and say, "Hey how are you doing? I've been thinking 'bout cha!" I don't think so.

There was a girl, we were the classic BFF example - We were in the same society, we ate our breakfast & lunch together, we took the same bus etc; we were basically inseparable. She was quiet while I was chatty; she was the smart one whereas I was the least bright; she even brought everyone into sharing my 14th birthday present... But what happened? Why aren't us friends anymore? ... That got me thinking.

We never really had some heart to heart talk... Well I did, I was the expressive one but she was the kind that kept everything to herself (Or maybe I wasn't the one she felt comfortable sharing secret with. Ok now I'm hurt). I've probably said alot of dumb shit and she might thought I was stupid wtf (now I'm embarrassed but mind you I was 13!). And maybe I was too hard to deal with or wasn't thoughtful enough.

Well actually We still hung out even after we graduated from high school but not anymore since we started our pre-U studies. She had since found a new gang of BFF while I, being a sour grape, felt jealous of her/them and started talking behind her back with our old gang. Maybe things fell apart from here.

Now that I think of it, I was too naive to realise that it's normal to have different friends in different circles. And that thinking "her new BFFs are cooler than us" are plain stupid. Maybe if I had not drift away first, we would still be friends right now.

No point crying over spilled milk. Maybe some day we'll reconnect again. But the only solution right now is to hold on to the all the good ones I have now and avoid repeating the "good jobs" I've done in maintaining a friendship. But still, thanks to those who stayed, from the very beginning until now. And even though I've lost some, I'm so grateful that I still have you in my life. 9 years (or more!) and counting. I'm truly blessed.





x Jess

Growing up is no fun at all

Just Something △ Gather Street △ Miam Miam △ Häagen-Dazs △ Pik Nik △ Mei Tip Thai Food

Meeting friends is my favourite part of the holiday besides spending quality time with my parents. However it is often very hard to have a good meet up since everyone is so busy with their lives and also due to the weird semester break arrangement since we are all from different university. Thankfully we had a Raya holiday on the beginning of August so everyone is back including a friend who is studying in the State (summer break, hee).

Meet up sessions had always been great; we talked about our pasts & our future (which nearly made us jizz our pants - really not looking forward to the uncertainties). I'm happy and sad at the same time - I'm glad that we are still friends and still have each others in mind, but sad because in spite of feeling everything is still the same, deep down you can't help but feel that everything has changed.

Soon we'll be talking about internship (already talking about that though), convocation (pfft, some of our old high school friends are already graduated), jobs, wedding, babies, diapers and whatnot.

Sigh, I wish I can rewind the time to 2007 sometimes.

x Jess

The official end of my semester 4.

I guess the burial of lecture notes underneath my study desk helped – saying goodbye and that we will not meet ever again assured my heart that I will pass this semester.

Results were released on Monday right before I got really sick and slept for 2 days consecutively. I got 2 friggin A- (& 1 A for Korean, my elective), 1st time in 2 years of studies. I was really really happy, but asked myself not to be cocky or too self-confidence and be sure to work extra hard for the coming semester at the same time.

Bummed that I have to go through the episode for 2 more semesters (but then studying is still better than working full time no matter how... according to some friends). The final exam was really hard for me. I did not do well for my midterms (and the only person I can blame is me) so I had to push myself real hard so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself further. Yes pride is my weakness (or the opposite) and it can either helps you or kills you. Bear in mind that I am really not a study person – Making it extra hard to memorise all those shits especially when they didn't even make much sense to me. I wanted to give up, hide in a corner to sulk and pretend I don’t care but I can’t. I can’t forget the humiliating moment when I found out that I got the lowest mark of a subject midterm paper out of my class. I broke down cuz I couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore, I couldn’t sleep, I was angry at myself and the universe, I cried in my boyfriend’s arm… But I’m glad in the end it’s all worth it. Thanks to my friends and my boyfriend for supporting/motivating me endlessly and also the universe/god for answering my prayers, or law of attraction, don’t care it’s the same to me… I do believe religion exists for a reason no matter you believe in it or not, perhaps we’ll talk about it the other time.

A Sunday dream

Had a dream that I was in a public toilet, doing business no. 2 & there was a long queue after me so I decided to put a halt on my business and left. My brother showed up, told me he was looking for me everywhere and told me I should board the plane before the gate closed (at this point I realised I was in an airport the whole time). So I climbed lots of stairs and escalators, not knowing where to go, kept thinking “where the heck is that god damn gate and why the hell am I boarding a plane? Where am I going?!” (It’s a dream, after all) I heard people cheering my friend toward the highest floor downstairs, and I thought well let’s just keep climbing.

And I reached. A jumbo plane to the UK (And the funny thing is, this waiting lounge looked familiar). I kissed my dad and brother goodbye and went forward. Met my friends but they were already lining up and reaching the gate. The queue was too long so I decided to sit and wait.

And I met him. I sat right next to him, he did not recognise me. I whispered a thank you, not recognising him too. And then I woke up.
I should have say hi.

I have never dreamed of him before, this is a first.
Hi my old friend, what are you doing in an airport waiting lounge? How’s the heaven treating you? You did not age at all Danny.
I should have say hi.

Nobody said it was easy

This is what I chose.
It’s not that I have regretted,
It’s just that it’s not easy to leave home, even after so many times;
I thought I will get used to it but no, you can never get used to parting,
and it’s not easy at all.

You'll never be enough.

Am trying to be positive but somehow that particular sentence lingers in my mind,
and it does not have the intention to fade away.

You’re not pretty enough, you’ll never be pretty enough.

The words, are still repeating in my head. On and on… Never seems to stop.

Some song that made me cry

Hush now my baby, be still love don’t cry.
Sleep as you’re rocked by the stream.
Sleep and remember, my last lullaby;
So I’ll be with you when you dream.