Moonlight.

Nothing, nothing beats Debussy's Clair de Lune.

Raw.

So my parents have just came back from a little trip to Chiang Mai and my dad has been bombarding me with some photos of him and my mom.

Let's face it. My mom forced him to send the photos.
"Let them see our photos, send them! Or post on web!"
By web she means Facebook.

And seeing the photos is like... receiving a wake up call.

...My parents are old now. Like, old old.
Funny how every time I think of them, I still picture them in the younger days.
Perhaps deep down I refuse to grow up. I'll always be their little daughter, that hand needs to be held before crossing the road.

My dad used to be very, very fat so we kept urging him to lose some weight.
After a couple years of trying, now that he has lost his tummy and all, I'm starting to worry that is he losing too much weight?
Sometimes pictures show more than what you see in reality.

And my mom. God. Where should I even begin? She used to be so pretty and youthful. But the grey hair and the tired face shown on the photos made my cringe.

I dunno how to describe what I'm feeling right now. This... emotion. Sorrow, perhaps?
And the worst part is, I can do nothing about it. It's beyond my power. Except for appreciating their presence more. And try not to think about it.

That one day I'll have to cross the road without them holding my hands.
The two major pillars of my life. crumbling down.
What's coming for me. And the days after.
I don't think I'll ever be prepared for that. No man is programmed to be prepared for that.

Can we go back to that Saturday afternoon when I was 6?
Where 5 of us including my brothers were watching some western movie in my parents' room.
Dad was sleeping, mom was ironing clothes, we were sititng on the floor...
Just 5 of us, inside a little room. As simple, as blissful as that.
... I'd trade anything in the world for that moment.

x Jess

An answer from the Universe.

The 20 Things You Need to Stop Doing to Yourself.

This is perhaps the solution to all my questions. Read it up if you have the time. Cheers.

x Jess

Carpe diem.

Bought this in Nagoya, Japan 2 years ago (woah, how time flies) on a chilly night.

Burst into Starbucks and had an awkward brief conversation with the barista, well given the fact that all I know how to speak is "マレーシアからです 日本語が話せません" (I come from Malaysia. I don't speak Japanese). Damn the Japanese they speak so fast my brain can't even think of a response to reply. All I could do was nod or respond by giving them an awkward smile. Bet I look like an idiot.

Anyway back to the topic. Funny how I bought a tumbler but I have never used it. Never, for the last 2 years. It's just that every time when I want to use it, all I can think of is breaking it or dropping it etc. I've been this way for all my life. Bought a nice pencil box or eraser (yes I know, it's just a freaking eraser), kept them in my drawer. Bags or clothes that held a special meaning or was given by someone special, locked 'em in the closet. Even food! Bought a cake from Japan and didn't eat it not until the expiry date (I know. Don't judge). Well you see the pattern.

I'm just afraid of losing things that are important to me, you know? Even a tiny dent or scratch flips my switch. I just can't bear it (Jeez I sound like I have some serious issue). My mom saw it through me and she said, "When are you going to use it then? When you're old? When you're dead? ... You can't take it to your grave, you know."

Ok this post is going no where. What I want to say is: live for the moment, or carpe diem. You'll never know when's your last day, so what's worth of not living your life, or not being who you want until the last of your days?

I have no idea what brought up this thought. Maybe because that it's been extremely stressful these few days, making me to think stuff that is always hidden beneath a part of my brain, or maybe because of this article.

Am I making the right choice? Am I doing what I want to do? Will my future self hate me for making this choice? What will she say? Will my parents be proud of me? I've been asking myself lately. And sometimes the future scares me. I know everyone has the same thought and they have also been constantly questioning themselves throughout their entire lives. Maybe it's a part of being an adult, or maybe it's just how society has shaped us.

... Enough of the dark thought! Hakuna matata! Why worry about tomorrow when you know everything will work out just well, and the problems will be solved by the universe? Yup that's kinda my law of attraction.

Again, this is going nowhere. Best if I hit the sack now cuz my brain is frying up. Until the next time, right when I've finished all my tasks. Sad story of a lifeless 3rd year student.

x Jess