The one that got away

My senior yearbook (2008).

(Jeez! This post is like a therapy/self-confession session!)

Now that I'm older, I realised my social circle is getting smaller and I'm constantly thinking of friends that I've made and lost.

I'm never good at social - I dunno what you think of me, I may be a chatterbox (well, among my friends and people I'm familiar/comfortable with) but I am anything but outgoing.
Phone calls, the silent moment between conversations and making new friends make me nervous.
And I am never good in maintaining a friendship.

Sometimes when I see photos of my old friends hanging out together on Facebook, I feel like I want to be part of them but hey, we're no longer close like we used to be.

I used to tell myself, "Those who are willing to stay, will stay." But the truth is, I never pay much effort in maintaining a relationship and as a result, our friendships fade away. And now when I want to mend these broken things, how should I do that? Randomly text them and say, "Hey how are you doing? I've been thinking 'bout cha!" I don't think so.

There was a girl, we were the classic BFF example - We were in the same society, we ate our breakfast & lunch together, we took the same bus etc; we were basically inseparable. She was quiet while I was chatty; she was the smart one whereas I was the least bright; she even brought everyone into sharing my 14th birthday present... But what happened? Why aren't us friends anymore? ... That got me thinking.

We never really had some heart to heart talk... Well I did, I was the expressive one but she was the kind that kept everything to herself (Or maybe I wasn't the one she felt comfortable sharing secret with. Ok now I'm hurt). I've probably said alot of dumb shit and she might thought I was stupid wtf (now I'm embarrassed but mind you I was 13!). And maybe I was too hard to deal with or wasn't thoughtful enough.

Well actually We still hung out even after we graduated from high school but not anymore since we started our pre-U studies. She had since found a new gang of BFF while I, being a sour grape, felt jealous of her/them and started talking behind her back with our old gang. Maybe things fell apart from here.

Now that I think of it, I was too naive to realise that it's normal to have different friends in different circles. And that thinking "her new BFFs are cooler than us" are plain stupid. Maybe if I had not drift away first, we would still be friends right now.

No point crying over spilled milk. Maybe some day we'll reconnect again. But the only solution right now is to hold on to the all the good ones I have now and avoid repeating the "good jobs" I've done in maintaining a friendship. But still, thanks to those who stayed, from the very beginning until now. And even though I've lost some, I'm so grateful that I still have you in my life. 9 years (or more!) and counting. I'm truly blessed.





x Jess